


The Gods Are Assholes

by LandofWordsandNonsense (RiaHawk)



Series: Prompted One Shots [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Blood, Brief appearances by the rest of the Mighty Nein, Gen, Jester's burned through her spells and that's not good, Mugging, Nott is tiny and can't carry people, Nott's having a terrible day, Stabbing, Whumptober 2018, everyone's having a bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 10:44:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16157438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiaHawk/pseuds/LandofWordsandNonsense
Summary: If the gods really did take an active hand in the way fate played out, the way some priests said, Nott was starting to think they had a really strange sense of humor. Or that they were just assholes.Probably they were assholes.





	The Gods Are Assholes

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to do bits for Whumptober this year, I've never done it before. XD
> 
> Prompt: Stabbing

If the gods really did take an active hand in the way fate played out, the way some priests said, Nott was starting to think they had a really strange sense of humor. Or that they were just assholes.

 

Probably they were assholes.

 

The day had started shitty, with the ambush by bugbears. None of them even had any idea why bugbears were around in this area, there were no tribes that any one knew about. Of course, it probably didn't matter any more, because the bugbears were very thoroughly murdered by the time they got done with everything.

 

But it had been  _ very _ ugly. Fjord and Molly had gotten chewed on a  _ lot _ and had been knocked out briefly, Beau had the ever living shit beaten out of her, Yasha'd nearly lost an arm, Caleb had been dropped a nerve wracking  _ three times _ . Jester had pushed herself to the limit and had barely had time to smack things with her giant floating lollipop in between trying to keep them all alive while Nott alternated covering her and pouring healing potions into others when it looked like Jester wouldn't be able to get to two people at once. They'd used up all but one.

 

But they'd finally put the last one down, and everyone was more or less able to walk, and they'd managed to get to a village with a passable inn. Caleb and Beau had immediately gone to go pass out while Fjord and Molly stayed in the tavern downstairs. Yasha wasn't in evidence but as it was a clear day, she'd probably be back by nightfall. Nott would have stayed to watch over Caleb, but the Itch was hitting her particularly bad all the sudden, and since it was the middle of the day and Fjord and Molly were there, Nott went with Jester when she said she was going shopping.

 

Unfortunately, while Jester was able to find enough basic supplies to restock their provisions, there weren't any health potions to be found. Which just figured, didn't it. One of these days, Nott really needed to learn how to make those, if she could... But at least she'd managed to get a handful of shinies from grumpy people, enough to make the Itch go away. Jester had even managed to find a bakery with some pastries left.

 

So of course, of COURSE everything would go straight to shit.

 

Jester had been chattering about the drawings she was going to make to the Traveler that night and wondering if the rooms were big enough for them to have a proper girls' night and retelling her favorite chapter of Tusk Love, and Nott had been mostly listening, taking the occasional sip from her flask because it had really been a shitty day.

 

Neither of them had been paying attention, not even Nott who was usually super paranoid, because why would they expect trouble in a small village they'd only been in for a couple of hours in the middle of the day?

 

The gods were  _ assholes _ .

 

He'd grabbed for Jester, getting a hand over her mouth before she realized what was going on and pulling her into an alley.  He was a dirty half-elf in tattered clothes, and it could be assumed that he'd seen her jewelry and her nice clothes and had figured she'd have gold on her. He had a knife and had started to snarl something in her ear, but he'd neglected two things. One of them was that Jester was the hell of a lot stronger than she looked, and she'd damn near wrenched his arm out of the socket and definitely  _ had _ broken two of his ribs when she'd torn free of his grip. The other thing he'd neglected was Nott's presence, and as soon as the momentary shock wore off, she'd hissed something that sounded vaguely like one of Caleb's spells and latched onto the man's leg. He'd yelped in a very satisfying way at the Shocking Grasp, and then made the only smart decision he had in some considerable time.

 

He booked it.

 

Jester laughed, and bent down to hug Nott. "That was so awesome~! You were really fierce~! And he totally deserved to be zapped because he's a stinkydoodie~"

 

Then she went to straighten up and instead swayed and almost lost her balance. "Jester! Are you okay?!" Nott demanded shrilly.

 

Jester blinked for a moment, still swaying. "I am aweso-" She blinked again. "Ah, Nott, you're bleeding, what happened?"

 

Nott blinked too. "I'm not bleeding, I haven't gotten hit at all today..." In confusion, she looked down, and saw a bloody smear on her cloak near her shoulder. "That's not-" Then it pinged, and she looked at Jester in alarm. There was a large patch of wet blood on Jester's dress, about level with her waist, and even as Nott watched, it grew, a spreading line of red soaking through the fabric of her bodice and into her skirt. "Jester..." Nott said, sounding slightly strangled.

 

Jester looked down. "Ooh... that is a  _ lot _ of blood." She braced one hand on the wall next to her. "And now that I think about it, it really, really hurts..." She put one hand to her side to try to staunch the blood, and hissed involuntarily.

 

Nott realized that at some point in the mugger's flailings, he must've stabbed Jester. And the adrenaline rush meant she hadn't felt it at the time."Are you okay?" she demanded.

 

"Ooh, yeah, totally, I am so fine-" Jester tried to stand up straight, but her balance was all wrong and she ended up lurching into the wall instead. "Um... Maybe I'm not." She slid down the wall, ending up sitting on the ground a little more suddenly than she would have liked, if the Infernal hiss was any indication. "Everything's all wavy."

 

Nott grabbed her free hand in both of hers. Jester tended to run cold, but her hand was colder than normal, and a little clammy. "Can you heal it?"

 

Jester shook her head briefly, then decided that was not a good idea. "I used up all my spells  _ and _ my pearl with the bugbears that were being total dicks earlier..."

 

And their last potion was in one of Caleb's coat pockets back at the inn.

 

"Can you walk?" Nott was way too small to even drag Jester, and her heart sank when the blue tiefling shook her head slightly.

 

"I mean, I probably technically should not technically." There was a thickness in her voice that hadn't been there before. "I think that would only make me bleed faster." She'd kept her hand pressed against the wound in her side, but Nott could see blood starting to slip around her fingers.

 

Nott wrung her hands together for a moment. She didn't want to leave Jester, especially since right now she was in no shape to defend herself if the mugger or anyone else who wanted to hurt her came along, but without that healing potion-

 

She jerked the copper wire out of her pocket. "Caleb! Jester's hurt, and we need the health potion! You can reply to this message!" Nott waited, but there was no response to the Message. He must've still been asleep, Nott thought, so she tried again. "Fjord! Jester's hurt, we need help, you can reply to this message!" Nothing. She tried Molly and Beau with the same results, and cursed. The inn was too far away, they were out of range.

 

_ The gods were assholes _ .

 

Nott tried very hard not to panic, and checked on Jester again. Her breathing was a lot faster and shallower, and the blue of her skin seemed washed out. And it had happened so fast... "Jester?" She looked up at the goblin with difficulty. "Don't go to sleep, okay?" Jester considered that for a moment, then hummed in an amicable way that suggested she might not have quite processed it.

 

There was one more thing she could try before she'd have to risk leaving Jester to run back to the inn. "Yasha, can you hear me? Jester's hurt and we really need some help. You can reply to this message."

 

A moment passed and nothing happened. Then two.

 

Nott had almost given up and was already edging towards the mouth of the alley, looking to see if the coast was clear for her to dash out, when the response came.

 

_ "I hear you. Where are you?" _

 

Nott almost cried with relief. "We're in an alley near the marketplace, there's, um, some sort of teahouse? Across the street? You can reply to this message."

 

_ "I'm coming." _

 

Nott nodded frantically, then darted back to Jester. She was still technically conscious, at least, her eyes were open and she seemed to track Nott's movements, but her hand had gone slack against the wound in her side, so Nott used both hands to apply pressure to the wound. There was just so much blood, blood that should still be in Jester...

 

It couldn't have been a minute later that a large shadow fell over both of them, and Nott jerked and looked up, baring her teeth and hissing reflexively. But it wasn't a threat at all, and Nott had never been happier to see someone so terrifyingly enormous.

 

Yasha knelt down next to Jester carefully, and gently placed a glowing hand against Jester's side. It wasn't the most impressive healing that Nott had seen even that day, but right now, it was enough. Jester sighed a little, eyes fluttering shut, and once she was sure that the bleeding had stopped, Yasha carefully picked her up.

 

"Caleb has one more healing potion, if we need it..." Nott said, anxiously chewing on one of her ragged claws.

 

"We'll see how she is when we get back," Yasha said, nodding. Nott had to scramble to keep up with Yasha's stride, but she didn't mind; it was all to the better if they could get her to a proper bed where she could rest soon. And since Yasha was carrying Jester, the trip back wasn't nearly as long as it had been on the way out.

 

Predictably, as soon as they saw Jester in Yasha's arms, with Nott trailing behind like a nervous little shadow, Fjord and Molly erupted, demanding to know what happened. Nott explained it briefly as Yasha carried Jester upstairs to the girls' shared room, that they had been mugged, and that the mugger had stabbed Jester in the ensuing fray. The two men exchanged a look, and Fjord started to ask what the mugger had looked like. Given their expressions, Nott was pretty sure that they were about thirty seconds from tearing out after the man to explain, in fine detail, why attacking one of their own, particularly Jester, had been a  _ bad idea _ . The fine details being swords and aggressively blasty magic.

 

But before they could, there was a startled yelp and a demand for information upstairs, which suggested that Beau had woken up and seen the state Jester was in. That was immediately followed by something incoherent in Zemnian, indicating Caleb was awake too now. So the rest of them went up to the rooms to explain what had happened and check on Jester.

 

Her color was better now, and her breathing was closer to normal. Caleb and Beau were standing back from the bed a little as Yasha took a moment to brush the tiefling's hair out of her face. Beau looked angry, no surprise there, but Caleb just looked concerned and thoughtful. "You healed her before,  _ ja _ ?"

 

Yasha nodded. "A bit. Enough that she stopped bleeding."

 

Caleb nodded. "I think she will be better in the morning, after some sleep. She will have her spells back then, and can heal herself more."

 

Yasha stood up. "I can do... healing hands... again in the morning, if I need to."

 

"So she's gonna be alright, yeah?" Beau demanded, raising an eyebrow.

 

Caleb nodded. "I think so."

 

Nott climbed up into the chair next to the bed. "I'm so glad.... we were too far away from the inn and I couldn't Message anyone. I was worried- I don't know how long it would have taken to get back to the inn... I'm glad you were in range, Yasha."

 

Yasha blinked a little, and flushed the slightest bit. "I... almost wasn't. I was on the other side of the marketplace. I think that would have been too far away too."

 

Molly patted her shoulder. "Then it's a good thing you decided to wander over~"

 

"I didn't. Decide, I mean." Yasha shook her head. "A man bumped into me and lifted my pouch. I was trying to catch him. I lost him right before I got Nott's Message."

 

Nott blinked. "But your pouch is on your belt, isn't it?" Unless she had another pouch that Nott didn't know about, but she tended to notice what people had on them.

 

Now it was Yasha's turn to blink, and she looked down, where sure enough, her pouch was exactly where it had been. "Um."

 

There was a long pause as everyone considered this. "What'd this man look like, Yasha?" Fjord asked after a moment.

 

"I don't know, I never saw his face. Just a man in a green cloak."

 

Okay. Maybe  _ one _ god's not an asshole.


End file.
